“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
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Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.