my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
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Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Lol
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies