When I snag the last meatball.
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ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Cause of death: Zumba
HR said no more nunchucks.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
When the stylist spins you back around
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Why do meteors always land in craters?