Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
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every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible