Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
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Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
WTF IS THAT!
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”