My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
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“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Noted.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.