If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
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Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Good morning.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.