Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
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It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
There are no pants in heaven.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.