[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
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MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
The three genders
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?