*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
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Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Baller is short for ballerina
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.