[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
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I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
when you order from DoorDastardly
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣