the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
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[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it