It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
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[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I think I’m having a stroke
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)