If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
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People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP