Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
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Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*