No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
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I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.