Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
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Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
He just like my cat fr
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
fixed it
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”