*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
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Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok