[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
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What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.