My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
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People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.