Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
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FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
me when I see my crush
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed