If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
You Might Also Like
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
These 3D printers are insane!
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.