After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
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[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Happens to everyone.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR