HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
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Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?