You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
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[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.