Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
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I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister