My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
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There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*