Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
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*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Alexa: *deep breath*
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”