My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
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This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
I’M CRYINGGG
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
rise and shine we got egg
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?