[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
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[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear