My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
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I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Canadian owl: Eh?
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.