Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
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i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I’ll be mad as hell!
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Me trying to look natural in photos
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle