As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
You Might Also Like
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
How software testing works
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.