doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
You Might Also Like
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *