Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
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The future is now.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
X-tra spooky blend
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore