Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
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You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?