I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
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Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”