Current mood: Potato
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“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.