And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
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*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.