Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
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Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.