The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
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When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
🏙👨🏼
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night