My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
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[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
79.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.