You Might Also Like
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle