Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
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Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.