just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
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If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
i was baptized in a car wash
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up