the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
You Might Also Like
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Midwest trash talk
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Dead sexy!!
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8