My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
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hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
kitchen magnet
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.