Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
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I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”