Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
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I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]