Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
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Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
This rocks
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.